There’s somebody for everybody
I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up through my middle school and high school years, I experienced and always heard a lot of talk about “The One.”
When I was at the young, stupid, and immature phase of my life, girlfriend seeking was my top priority. When I was transitioning to the whole dating scene, my mother would often try to talk to me sometimes about relationships, or offee me a woman’s perspective. She had some really helpful things to say. Other times, not so much at all. I was always taught to love and love hard despite the contradictory course of events going on in the household. I never really understood and appreciated the real meaning behind that when I was the love-dumb version of myself.
My mother helped paint this pretty extravagant picture that “there is somebody for everybody.” She wasn’t just the only one guilty of this. Other kids at school (mostly the ladies, most boys I knew didn’t care about that kind of thing rather than getting in a girls pants) had this vision of “The One” implanted into their minds too. Back in the 90’s, ABC’s TGIF Friday’s was a big part of my childhood. I mean, I can’t recall anyone who didn’t look forward to the TGIF lineup from 8PM to 10PM, watching shows like Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, Dinosaurs, or Sabrina The Teenage Witch.
Dinosaurs was my absolute favorite show in the 90’s. “I’m the baby, gotta love me! Come on! Gotta love me.”
But there was one show in the TGIF lineup, and that was the love story of Corey and Topoanga in Boy Meets World (later Boy Meets Girl.) The relationship between Corey and Topoanga helped solidify this idea of “The One” growing up.
Corey and Topoanga
(For the record, she is still one beautiful lady.)
One is the loneliest number
Fast forward, I learned that the idea of the “One” just can’t possibly exist. Here are some logical reasons why it’s impossible.
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Some people are unfortunate enough to die before they can ever experience the intricacies of love.
Case an point … look at the most recent chemical attack in Syria. It happens, as morbid as it may sound saying and as harsh, or cruel, or unforgiving life can be to some people in this world. But think about that for a moment, think about the 80+ people that died (including children) and all of the families affected by this disaster. It’s heartbreaking and devastating to think about the loss and deep hurt these people are going through; to think that some of these people never made it to experience what romance feels like.
2. The idea of the one really means the idea of preference.
We each have a vision of the kind of person we think would be a suitable partner for our lives at any given time. What the “One” really means is the “perfect preference” for them. We all do it, and it changes as we change.
Perhaps your vision of a partner is one with a rock hard body with chiseled abs and a great tan. Maybe you prefer a certain ethnicity in a partner: Hispanic, Puerto-Rican, African-American, Asian or Caucasian to name a few. Maybe you don’t prefer men at all, and women do it for you, perhaps both? Perhaps you choose to be completely abstinant and solidify your relationship with your religion. Maybe your ideal man is just an average dude, who’s love of family runs deep but is also career-driven. Maybe you want someone who loves dogs over cats, sports over the arts, or doesn’t have a desire to have children. Maybe they don’t have a desire to ever get married.
Whatever the case is, the idea of the one is a matter of perspective that is only true to ourselves. No one can tell you who the one is for you, because only you are capable of knowing what you want out of someone.
3. “The One” isn’t looking for you, so why are you looking for it?
Love hits you when you least expect it, or so they say, right? Do you believe in love in first sight? I think having that idea is much more plausible than finding Santa Claus. You waste time searching for this Holy Grail of a partner; and you become distraught of the journey because you were let down by your improbable expectations.
Who knows, the person who might have been most compatible with you already slipped by your life because you passed them by back in high school. You missed out on the opportunity chasing some jerk-off jock and “the one” who actually had legitimate feels for you finally had the courage to move on and found himself someone who appreciated who he was. Things didn’t turn out between you and jock strap, and there you are, after swimming through an ocean of shit you were finally blessed with an epiphany that Fred the Great Guy in high school was more deserving of your affection.
As you can see, two problems occur with this idea of the one. The first, is that the guy you thought was “The One”, has the risk of turning out to be “The Worst.” The second, is that you were so caught up in your conquest, that you have turned away of “Potential Ones.”
That’s right. I said “Ones.” I am not saying you have to resort to sexing your way to glory (but that is also your right in the power of preference by the way!) Why on earth would you limit yourself to finding the “One,” when you have the absolute privilege of mingling with multiple people? I mean, after all, it’s what we do anyway over the years in our quest, right? People come in go in all shapes, sizes (insert immature girly giggle), and with all kinds of neat and quirky traits that define who they are. Why sell yourself short for less?
For the Pancakes!!!
Searching for this ides of the “One” is like cooking pancakes. In my experiences, since I’m not a master chef and haven’t quite perfected the art of Pancake making, my first pancake is always a sacrifice for better looking, better tasting pancakes. You’re cooking it and you greased your pan or griddle, you gather all of your preferred (there is that secret word again) ingredients for your batter (or subjugate to using a predetermined copy of someone elses ideals called Betty Crocker Pancake Mix, cause traditionally speaking the shit works, right?) and you start cookin’!
But wait, you didn’t wipe down the grease or let the pan heat up to the optimal browning temperature (375, btw) and now have a literal burning heap of lop-sided batter resembling hot shit.
P.S. Also, don’t ever tell your first born child that they were your first pancake … just sayin’…
Imagine a scenario if you were to pick yourself apart and write down an intellectually honest list of all of the good and bad things about yourself. What do you like most about yourself? What do you dislike most about yourself? Can you changes things to make yourself better, and are they in your control?
Once you have this list, imagine if you asked your “potential partners” to put their name down next to the qualities you described yourself as, and do they agree or disagree. How many would answer? How many would be afraid to tell you the truth out of fear of hurting you? How many would lie to you just to get in the sack and ghost out? How many to be their “trophy?” More likely than not, each of these partners would give you different answers because they may each see you in a different light. But I am sure you will quickly find someone listed on your Character Sheet that may appeal the most to you. I mean, isn’t that what matching sites like Eharmony. Heck, they have matching sites for people afflicted with STDs like HIV/AIDS. How bow dah?
Going back to the love-dumb me again, my expectations for love were insanely unrealistic. Although, I find it hard to believe that a lot of my old classmates I still keep in touch with describe the young me as sweet / kind / nice / a great guy … but the ones who were unfortunate enough to convince themselves into entering a relationship with me quickly found how fucked up I was. I couldn’t keep a relationship more than a mere few months. I had a “relationship” last for less than a week once because of it. Very rarely, it was because it was they really did. Not only was it due to my immaturity, but abuse certainly does have it’s way of affecting your ability to socialize effectively; and people are brutal. Just read 13 Reasons Why (or binge watch the series on Netflix) and you will know exactly why.
There were many people growing up that I dreamt or daydreamed about. In high school, I wasn’t thinking about if a girl would be great with kids, or cared about the kind of passions they had. I was more concerned about being with a girl because being “with someone” was a type of social status in high school culture. You didn’t want to be a single dude. Girls were “sluts” and “whores” if they couldn’t keep a relationship. Many people are so quick to project their hypercritical assessments on people, and too often it overshadows any possibility for you to notice any potential compatibility measurement.
Perfection is stressful
So you found a person you actually get along with, and they don’t have all the looks you had hoped for, or they have a few personality traits that don’t always align with yours. There is nothing healthy at all about going about your entire life searching for this Utopian partner. Eventually, there will come a time in your life when you start to look beyond the idea of everything must be perfect, to finding perfection in the simpler things that make you enjoy living a life with them. Every relationship has it’s moments where it can be excruciating, because love hurts sometimes. However, real love is most gracious and often peaceful. Love is a kind of calm and balance to the chaos that happens around the world. Disagreements can and will happen, but it is also quite possible that depending on the nature of the disagreement to have such an understanding and respect for that person.
Just because I mess up my first pancake, doesn’t mean that it’s still not worthy of being served with butter and syrup. You know?
Sincerely,
Dadslifeafter
Dad's Life After 