What’s this “One” thing about?

There’s somebody for everybody

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up through my middle school and high school years, I experienced and always heard a lot of talk about “The One.”

When I was at the young, stupid, and immature phase of my life, girlfriend seeking was my top priority. When I was transitioning to the whole dating scene, my mother would often try to talk to me sometimes about relationships, or offee me a woman’s perspective. She had some really helpful things to say. Other times, not so much at all. I was always taught to love and love hard despite the contradictory course of events going on in the household. I never really understood and appreciated the real meaning behind that when I was the love-dumb version of myself.

My mother helped paint this pretty extravagant picture that “there is somebody for everybody.” She wasn’t just the only one guilty of this. Other kids at school (mostly the ladies, most boys I knew didn’t care about that kind of thing rather than getting in a girls pants) had this vision of “The One” implanted into their minds too. Back in the 90’s, ABC’s TGIF Friday’s was a big part of my childhood. I mean, I can’t recall anyone who didn’t look forward to the TGIF lineup from 8PM to 10PM, watching shows like Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, Dinosaurs, or Sabrina The Teenage Witch.

Dinosaurs was my absolute favorite show in the 90’s. “I’m the baby, gotta love me! Come on! Gotta love me.”

But there was one show in the TGIF lineup, and that was the love story of Corey and Topoanga in Boy Meets World (later Boy Meets Girl.) The relationship between Corey and Topoanga helped solidify this idea of “The One” growing up.

Corey and Topoanga

(For the record, she is still one beautiful lady.)

One is the loneliest number

Fast forward, I learned that the idea of the “One” just can’t possibly exist. Here are some logical reasons why it’s impossible.

1. Some people are unfortunate enough to die before they can ever experience the intricacies of love.

Case an point … look at the most recent chemical attack in Syria.  It happens, as morbid as it may sound saying and as harsh, or cruel, or unforgiving life can be to some people in this world. But think about that for a moment, think about the 80+ people that died (including children) and all of the families affected by this disaster. It’s heartbreaking and devastating to think about the loss and deep hurt these people are going through; to think that some of these people never made it to experience what romance feels like.

      2. The idea of the one really means the idea of preference.

We each have a vision of the kind of person we think would be a suitable partner for our lives at any given time. What the “One” really means is the “perfect preference” for them. We all do it, and it changes as we change.

Perhaps your vision of a partner is one with a rock hard body with chiseled abs and a great tan. Maybe you prefer a certain ethnicity in a partner: Hispanic, Puerto-Rican, African-American, Asian or Caucasian to name a few. Maybe you don’t prefer men at all, and women do it for you, perhaps both? Perhaps you choose to be completely abstinant and solidify your relationship with your religion. Maybe your ideal man is just an average dude, who’s love of family runs deep but is also career-driven. Maybe you want someone who loves dogs over cats, sports over the arts, or doesn’t have a desire to have children. Maybe they don’t have a desire to ever get married.

Whatever the case is, the idea of the one is a matter of perspective that is only true to ourselves. No one can tell you who the one is for you, because only you are capable of knowing what you want out of someone.

 

     3. “The One” isn’t looking for you, so why are you looking for it?

Love hits you when you least expect it, or so they say, right? Do you believe in love in first sight? I think having that idea is much more plausible than finding Santa Claus. You waste time searching for this Holy Grail of a partner; and you become distraught of the journey because you were let down by your improbable expectations.

Who knows, the person who might have been most compatible with you already slipped by your life because you passed them by back in high school. You missed out on the opportunity chasing some jerk-off jock and “the one” who actually had legitimate feels for you finally had the courage to move on and found himself someone who appreciated who he was. Things didn’t turn out between you and jock strap, and there you are, after swimming through an ocean of shit you were finally blessed with an epiphany that Fred the Great Guy in high school was more deserving of your affection.

As you can see, two problems occur with this idea of the one. The first, is that the guy you thought was “The One”, has the risk of turning out to be “The Worst.” The second, is that you were so caught up in your conquest, that you have turned away of “Potential Ones.”

That’s right. I said “Ones.” I am not saying you have to resort to sexing your way to glory (but that is also your right in the power of preference by the way!) Why on earth would you limit yourself to finding the “One,” when you have the absolute privilege of mingling with multiple people? I mean, after all, it’s what we do anyway over the years in our quest, right? People come in go in all shapes, sizes (insert immature girly giggle), and with all kinds of neat and quirky traits that define who they are. Why sell yourself short for less?

For the Pancakes!!!

Searching for this ides of the “One” is like cooking pancakes. In my experiences, since I’m not a master chef and haven’t quite perfected the art of Pancake making, my first pancake is always a sacrifice for better looking, better tasting pancakes. You’re cooking it and you greased your pan or griddle, you gather all of your preferred (there is that secret word again) ingredients for your batter (or subjugate to using a predetermined copy of someone elses ideals called Betty Crocker Pancake Mix, cause traditionally speaking the shit works, right?) and you start cookin’!

But wait, you didn’t wipe down the grease or let the pan heat up to the optimal browning temperature (375, btw) and now have a literal burning heap of lop-sided batter resembling hot shit.

P.S. Also, don’t ever tell your first born child that they were your first pancake … just sayin’…

 

Imagine a scenario if you were to pick yourself apart and write down an intellectually honest list of all of the good and bad things about yourself. What do you like most about yourself? What do you dislike most about yourself? Can you changes things to make yourself better, and are they in your control?

Once you have this list, imagine if you asked your “potential partners” to put their name down next to the qualities you described yourself as, and do they agree or disagree. How many would answer? How many would be afraid to tell you the truth out of fear of hurting you? How many would lie to you just to get in the sack and ghost out? How many to be their “trophy?” More likely than not, each of these partners would give you different answers because they may each see you in a different light. But I am sure you will quickly find someone listed on your Character Sheet that may appeal the most to you. I mean, isn’t that what matching sites like Eharmony. Heck, they have matching sites for people afflicted with STDs like HIV/AIDS. How bow dah?

Going back to the love-dumb me again, my expectations for love were insanely unrealistic. Although, I find it hard to believe that a lot of my old classmates I still keep in touch with describe the young me as sweet / kind / nice / a great guy … but the ones who were unfortunate enough to convince themselves into entering a relationship with me quickly found how fucked up I was. I couldn’t keep a relationship more than a mere few months. I had a “relationship” last for less than a week once because of it. Very rarely, it was because it was they really did. Not only was it due to my immaturity, but abuse certainly does have it’s way of affecting your ability to socialize effectively; and people are brutal. Just read 13 Reasons Why (or binge watch the series on Netflix) and you will know exactly why.

There were many people growing up that I dreamt or daydreamed about. In high school, I wasn’t thinking about if a girl would be great with kids, or cared about the kind of passions they had. I was more concerned about being with a girl because being “with someone” was a type of social status in high school culture. You didn’t want to be a single dude. Girls were “sluts” and “whores” if they couldn’t keep a relationship. Many people are so quick to project their hypercritical assessments on people, and too often it overshadows any possibility for you to notice any potential compatibility measurement.

Perfection is stressful

So you found a person you actually get along with, and they don’t have all the looks you had hoped for, or they have a few personality traits that don’t always align with yours. There is nothing healthy at all about going about your entire life searching for this Utopian partner. Eventually, there will come a time in your life when you start to look beyond the idea of everything must be perfect, to finding perfection in the simpler things that make you enjoy living a life with them. Every relationship has it’s moments where it can be excruciating, because love hurts sometimes. However, real love is most gracious and often peaceful. Love is a kind of calm and balance to the chaos that happens around the world. Disagreements can and will happen, but it is also quite possible that depending on the nature of the disagreement to have such an understanding and respect for that person.

Just because I mess up my first pancake, doesn’t mean that it’s still not worthy of being served with butter and syrup. You know?

 

 

Sincerely,

Dadslifeafter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Lesson from Jenga

 

Relationship Fight Club

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club.” -Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Let’s whistleblow about the Fight Club, shall we?

We all hurt someone at some point in our lifetime, by accident or with malicious intent. We do things we don’t mean to do and say things we don’t mean to say. On the contrary, we are also guilty of continuing to do the things that we said we wouldn’t do anymore, and continue to say the things that we said we’d never say again. (Now say that 5 times fast…GO!)

Generally, there is always a reason on why we do the things we do. The problem with reason is that reason is a matter of perspective; and everyone has their own unique perspective on what they believe is reasonable. You hear it and see it all of the time. Here is a scenario for you.

Scene:

Elisabeth and Kyle have been dating for four years. Things have been going smoothly for them and they became engaged after three years of seeing each other. After the third year, Liz begins to notice a change in Kyle’s behavior. She notices that he is smiling and laughing less often. She notices that he has become less affectionate with her and he is becoming more interested in spending time with himself. She confronts him about it.

     E: “Kyle, what’s been up with you? You’ve been acting strange lately.”

     K: “What are you talking about? I’m fine Liz.”

     E: “It’s just, you haven’t really been spending much time with me.”

     K: “How? I helped you with breakfast this morning. We went to Walmart together and           got groceries, and I went with you to your mother’s house this afternoon.”

     E: “That’s not what I mean…”

     K: “Then what’s the problem?”

     E: “It’s not just today. I’ve been feeling like you’ve been acting this way for several                   weeks now and it’s bothering me.”

     K: “Liz, I said I’m fine!”

     E: “Kyle, you’re not fine. I’m not fine. There’s something wrong, I know you.”

     K: “Liz. I’m fine. Can we please stop talking about this?”

     E: “Fine.”

     K: “Okay.”

End Scene

Here, we see the conversation ending. Finishing the scenario here, a question is left unanswered. Was Kyle really upset, or was he telling the truth?

Maybe Kyle is telling the truth. Perhaps he has a lot on his mind from work that he just doesn’t feel comfortable with sharing with her in that moment. Maybe he lost his job and he is afraid to tell Liz because he thinks it will start a fight. Maybe he lost a friend or a family member close to him and he’s grieving about it. We don’t even know if Liz is a “clingy” or “emotionally sensitive” person and she is just overreacting to his truly normal behavior. Maybe, Kyle just is becoming unsatisfied with Liz. We don’t know.

What we can gather based on Liz’s responses is that what she is feeling is very real to her. She’s built her life around Kyle for years and has learned a lot about Kyle, to the point where her intuition is setting in stating that something is innately out of the ordinary between their chemistry. Whatever “this” is, it’s threatening to her and she wants closure.

Jenga – The Tower of Hurt

Many of us have different reasons on why we become unsatisfied with our partners. Some of us belong to a club of people who are capable of internalizing those reasons and keeping that information within our heads (not saying that is necessarily a good thing, by the way. Sometimes that can be a very dangerous and self-destructing behavior.) Another club may be categorized as “not having a filter” and speaking their mind outright because “they just don’t plain give a fuck.” Another club may be able to approach you with an abundant amount of respect and have a way to communicate their frustrations with you without calling you “a bitch” in the process. The funny thing about people and emotions is we all change, and we fluctuate at any given time based on our situations. Therefore, we can withdraw from one club to join another whenever we want. Hooray for us!

I am sure that some of you readers may or may not have played or heard of a family games called Jenga.

Image Source

For those of you who may not know, Jenga is a game that can be played solo or with multiple players and is fun for all ages. Seriously. Even if you don’t want to play the game it was “meant to be played,” kids and adults like find all sorts of interesting ways to play the game. Boy, I can’t tell you how many different drinking games you can do related to Jenga. Nothing like trying to screw over your peers (or yourself) in the name of good ol’ alcohol consumption! Ahem…

The object of Jenga is strategically remove wooden blocks by “poking” the blocks through and stripping them away from the tower. You continue to repeat this and collect as many blocks as you can without tipping over the tower. In a cooperative setting, it is common to “setup the other player(s)” for failure in hopes to win the game.

What most people didn’t know, myself included, is that Jenga actually means “build” in Swahili.(1) And after reading and learning that, I couldn’t think of a better way to use Jenga as an excellent example on explaining a particular phenomenon that occurs in virtually every relationship; and that is our ability to hurt.  Below is an image I found online that I edited to illustrate where I am going with this.

Edited. Image Source

As the very root of all relationships, you have the core “building blocks” of a relationship.

Trust

Love

Respect

Communication

(Others say Honesty and more, but clearly the image only shows 4 blocks … shh.)

If you take out the “respect” directly out of the bottom, that particular block can be removed safely without tipping the tower over. It is entirely possible in a relationship that Respect can be missing, but Trust, Communication, and Love remain. However, if you attempt to take away Trust, Communication, or Love, EVERYTHING comes crumbling down (based on this image.)

Let’s go back and talk a bit about what could potentially have played out between Elizabeth and Kyle. How many times in your very own relationship has something happened similar, in almost no time flat. Maybe you were Kyle once, and you didn’t think anything was wrong and you were just going about your day as you saw it, and you had no idea anything was even wrong with your partner (Elizabeth.) Conversely, how many times have you seen yourself in Elizabeth’s shoes, trying to talk to your partner (Kyle) and he’s simply not “getting the message?”

I think it is very important to say and recognize a risk between that short exchange of dialogue, and the risk is that Kyle’s replies could have been the precursor to an escalation between the two. Enter the Fight Club.

Often, when we feel like our voices are not being heard, or we are dissatisfied with a particular situation, we fight. We fight because we want so badly for the other person to see things the way we see things. Sometimes fights go successful, others end horrifically. We play Jenga with each other in the Fight Club. You’ve known each other for four years, and you better believe that if you know something is wrong with your partner, you know how to push their buttons too. You know exactly where to hit them where it hurts; you know how to kick them when they are feeling down, and you know just the right method of attack to inflict a finishing blow.

You call her fat. That’s an easy block to push out. You know she spends hours doing her makeup getting dolled up ready to go. You know she cares a lot about her appearance. Yeah, call her fat.

Her turn. She says your lazy. Another easy block to push out. You spend too much time worrying about your “fucking video games” to spend any “quality time with her.”

Oh yeah you say? Well, you’re consistent with throwing another quick jab at her appearance and call her “Disgusting.” You used to find her super attractive when she was skinny and wearing pretty dresses; but she got comfortable with love and put on a few extra pounds; and her new choice of makeup and attire turns you off.

“Seriously?” she says. “You’re being so stupid right now.” Off goes the stupid block.

Now … I am not going to keep going on and on about this all will play out as interesting as it may be for you reader (this is actually fun writing by the way.) But here is the real truth.

On the surface when we are hurt, it’s easy to say the “topical” stuff. Name calling is the perfect example of this. It’s quick, it’s straight to the point, and it hurts. Until all the names have been said. Then it’s the blocks that are on the edge that cause the relationship to falter a lot more.

Perhaps at one point in your relationship, your partner cheated on you. That shattered your trust and it broke your heart. But you moved on and “forgave” them for it. But, it just so happened that your partner said some really awful things about you this time, and you carefully push the “Cheater” block out. The tower waivers a bit but still is holding up a bit. That was a low blow to your partner. Funny thing is, what if you cheated on him too. Well, ironically, the cheater block was already pushed, so him calling you a cheater can’t be used because maybe they know you cheated on them to get back as revenge for cheating on you. Shit, can’t use that one.

“Fuck that, you manipulative cunt!” they exclaim with fiery passion and gusto. Perhaps if you weren’t so manipulative, they wouldn’t have cheated. That’s the reasoning they are sticking to anyway … well played dirty bastard.

And so you keep playing the Jenga Hurt game with each other until everything is laid out on the table until the small chunk of blocks remaining are whatever heaping pile of what used to the core have become rotten by time and foul air (and wordplay.) Atop of the withers of the life you built, the two of you somewhere along the way lost your way and tread into the “danger zone.” <cue ominous music>

These are blocks that are critically detrimental to all relationships. These are the portions of a relationship where the hurt has become so bad, there’s all sorts of abuse; emotional, mental, physical, or sexual. Maybe the person exhibits characteristics where they are completely mentally unstable, at risk of hurting themselves, you, or someone you care about. Maybe you were once the “narcissist” or the “psycho.” The danger zone is all sorts of craziness. I was a “stalker” once…

Image Source

Some people might be fortunate enough to exit out of the relationship before they enter in some sort of danger zone. However, many people are often unaware that they are even entering a danger zone with their partner. And even then, some people enter the danger zone and either stay by choice or are forced to stay and live in the danger zone. It’s very unfortunate. This “Jenga Tower” concept can be applied to any relationship really, it’s not romantically exclusive. I can tell you that I personally found myself in the danger zone several times throughout my life, and I have often found myself entering it without my awareness or often found myself in situations where I was afraid to escape. Not because I feared for my safety, but because I feared letting go.

I think one of the hardest things to face in a relationship is knowing that you move on through life wanting to build an entirely life around the idea of “the one”, or “a family”, or X, Y, or Z and realize that the glimpse of hope that kept you pressing onward is no longer there. The fear of that renders you weak and often powerless, to a kind of blackness this is too often too thick to climb out of, especially alone. In retrospect, you realize that the partner you happen to meet, the person who carried on with you and understood everything about you, who has been to hell and back several times by your side just to simply show you that they are dedicated in their commitment of love to you, is finally ending over things that just hurt you too much. Then, you move on … in anyway you possibly can.

Playing Jenga sucks.

Sincerely,

-dadslifeafter

“Trash Talk”

This was what was left for me on the floor before I woke up this morning. The trash bag was not there before I went to bed last night at 8PM.

Some of you may have had similar experiences to this. Oh how movies have portrayed jealous girlfriends throwing out the mans things onto the lawn to get back at them for their <insert malicious intent>.

Taking out the trash is my job.

It’s probably a safe assumption that chore delegation varies between relationships.

In the traditional sense:

• The woman in this sense does the dishes, scrubs the kitchen, cleans the toilets, washes the laundry, folds the linens, sweeps/mops/vacuums the floors, wipes the countertops, dusts the house, feeds the children, etc.

• The man goes to work, comes home, sits on his ass, relaxes, watches the tele, and wants to play patty-cake with his wife in the bedroom.

In modern/traditional sense:

• Women have become much more independent, but many good dad’s would love to be the person who stays at home and takes care of business at home.

In the Philippines, 10 per cent of the workforce lives abroad and almost half of them are young women. This leads to many families where the father raises children to varying success. A support group north of Manila has started to help some of them out.

Source: http://www.thenational.ae/world/southeast-asia/the-stay-at-home-dads-of-the-philippines—in-pictures

Words by Fatima Arkin, photos by Jes Aznar for The National

For the record, I can tell you with 100% that if I had been afforded an opportunity to not work and spend much more time with my kids, I would be up in all of that.

In the egalitarian sense:

• Chores are divided in various amount of ways. I won’t list of exponential combinations of who does what, however, I will share with you how chore delegation was broken down in this house hold.

My responsibilities included:

1. Taking out the trash (we’ll get back to this, I promise.)
2. Cleaning the cat litter
3. Changing the air filter of the furnace
4. Refilling the water softener
5. Sweeping/Steaming the floors (which for me, is oddly gratifying.)
6. Vacuuming the staircase
7. My dirty laundry.
8. Unclogging drains (result from her long hair)
9. Any house repairs

Her responsibilities included:

1. Her laundry

Shared responsibilities included:

1. The boys laundry + linens
2. Cleaning the dishes
3. Making the beds
4. Cleaning bathrooms/toilets
5. Cleaning the garage
6. Going through old clothes
7. Putting groceries away
8. Cooking
9. Vacuuming upstairs
10. Wiping down counters
11. Cleaning off kitchen table
12. Cleaning out refrigerator
13. Dusting the house
14. Helping boys with homework
15. Decorating the house

So you can see, we did share a bulk of the responsibilities; but I had certain tasks added to mine that she never or very rarely (a handful of times, she’s done my laundry, took out/brought in trashcans.

But going back to the trash thing, what bugged me about “my responsibilities” was that they aren’t agreed on. Those are things I started to do, and it was assumed that I would be the one to do them.

Have you ever worked at a job where you thought it was a good idea to go above and beyond to impress your colleagues/superiors at work? You decided that you wanted to step up your professional game up a notch and started taking on added responsibility, just to help out? After the first, it becomes twice, then three times. Before you know it, it’s a daily thing. Somehow you managed to find yourself doing it regularly. Somewhere along the way, it became expected of you.

Then, there is that one day where you just happened to be out of your element. Maybe you were sick, maybe you had some personal mess going on that was throwing your focus off, or maybe you were just so overwhelmed with all of the added responsibilities you’ve accumulated from trying to be such a bad ass employee, you mess up one time. 

Then you get held accountable.

“Whoa whoa whoa!” you say to yourself. You’re furious. You’re frustrated. You are doing someone else’s job and they are getting away with what appears to be the professional definition of murder and you are in the hot seat for someone else not doing their job? Why the hell isn’t Bryan running this god damn report?!

Unfortunately for you

You may have failed to notice that when you were hired, there was a little fine print within your job description that read:

And other duties as assigned

You got fucked buddy. Lesson learned for next time. You won’t be doing someone else’s job now will ya? Loser.

But in all seriousness, that is essentially the equivalent of what occurred this morning. All because I have been “groomed” to take out the trash, it became expected. A person’s attitude can go a multitude of ways:

You could leave it there for her to take it out.

Which by the way, can and will backfire. You think you’re going to be clever. Guess what, trash is still there when you get home from work. Not that, I know from experience, or anything … shh.

You could go wake her ass up at 5:28AM in the morning and cuss her out.

But then you’re the crazy one. How would you feel if someone woke you up from the middle of REM to be yelled at about trash? That’s a deathwish, pal.

You could breathe, let it go, and take it out.

Not only is this you’re safest, and life-saving choice, but it means that you stay strong to your duty despite however petty the action was on their part. 

At some point down the line in your romantic relationship, you learn to pick and choose your battles. Some battles are worth the fight, because you are showing that you want to stand your ground and do what you feel is right. But the challenge is, what does right really mean?

Your version of what is right may differ what their version of right is. The only way right is sensible to both of you is if you are both using on the same version software. This means that you are both speaking the same language. You both are in synchronization with each other.

Here is today’s lesson.

Responsibilities should never be assumed or expected. In reality, she could have easily taken out the trash just as easily as leaving it there and continuously walking past it with the expectation that I would do it. I listed different actions I could have just as easily taken to try to combat the situation. But in my case here, I’ve already done this for years, and I am equally responsible for allowing it to happen for that long.

Pick your battles wisely, and just take out the damn trash.

Sincerely,

-dadslifeafter

 

Introduction

Hi!

I am Shaun, aka, dadslifeafter.

A little bit about myself first and foremost. I am a dad. And being a dad is the easily the single best thing that has probably happened in my life. A lot of people probably couldn’t say that, but to me, it’s all true. I have two little boys, and they really are my world.

I am a total geek, and I am proud of it. I like video games, cartoons/anime, and computers. I am not the geek in the sense as in I sit in my mother’s basement downing Mountain Dew’s (at least, not after Pepsi admitted Mountain Dew’s ability to dissolve mice into a heaping puddle of goop after 30 minutes … yummy!) and scarfing Flaming Hots while hacking government firewalls during the day and DM’ing intense D&D 3.5 campaigns in the heat of night. Far from that mess. But I have worked in IT as an IT Manager, and currently work in the Supply Chain field as a Business Analyst. My current goal is to become a Warehouse Management System Implementation Specialist, and I am -so- close.

I am easily entertained and fascinated with nearly everything, which makes focusing on a single goal very difficult. I’ve been to 4 different colleges majoring in 4 different fields, and I’ve not completed a single one. Not that I didn’t have the drive for it on at least 2 of the 4. College is difficult to manage with babies and a full-time job; but kudos to those who have and are pulling it off!

I am a pretty good at drawing (I am trying to work on using digital tablet as my preferred medium, but I am pretty damn good at Charcoal work.)

I was never married, but I was in a relationship with the love of my life for nearly 10 years. We had children together, who I love and adore very much. I am also a childhood victim of emotional abuse.

Lastly, I am completely new to blogging. I started reading a couple articles online on newbies like myself should get started, and the first step was to decide on what to blog about. I often post dissertations of information; whether it is through an e-mail at my work, through text message, or a post on my personal Facebook. In short, I have a lot to say to those willing to listen.

On my FB, I often talk about different topics, ranging from my own personal relationship advice I have learned over the years, to my personal experiences as a childhood abuse victim. I have dealt with my oldest son (3rd grade) being harshly bullied in 2nd grade. I am a father of a child with ADHD (2nd grade), which has a unique set of parental challenges I have some insight on. And most recently, I have exited out of a 10 year relationship with my boys mother (my choice, as difficult as it was.)

I have had many people come to tell me how much of a wonderful father I am, that I am handling my split incredibly well, and how mature I am with my relationship advice being a 31 year old man. It was suggested to me that I should start a blog.

So, with all of that being said, to my FB friends credit, here I am! I hope that my periodic blogs will hopefully reach out to someone who may be going through some hardships in their life or know someone who might benefit from hearing my own experiences. I feel that it is very important for people to have strong support in whatever troubles they are going through. No one should have to feel that they are going through their business alone in the world; it’s an extremely horrible and overwhelming feeling.

Thank you readers. I hope you enjoy “fatherly advice.”

 

Sincerely yours,

-dadslifeafter

Breakups Suck, But Who Said They Had To?

There has been something on my mind for a while now that I feel is important to share. There are a few people I know here that are having some relationship troubles.
I have been told by a lot of people in the past few months that:

“I am handling my breakup incredibly well.”

But let’s be very real and clear. There are a few reasons why I am handling this “so well.”

• I have positive support.
  • Surrounding yourself around positive people makes a significant different in how you cope with your breakup.
• I have solid coping skills.
  • Some people have it naturally, while a lot of it is learned. Life in general is a huge cluster of sporadic events that are totally out of your control. The sooner you learn to focus on the things that are within your realm of control, and cut the rest out, the better off you’ll be.
• I keep myself occupied in various activities
  • What do I mean by this? Here is a list of some things I do, but am not limited to.
    • Focus on work.
    • Do some home improvement.
    • Clean the house.
    • Spend time outside.
    • Pick up a new hobby.
    • Learn a marketable skill.
    • Read a book
    • Go hang out with some of your closest friends
    • Throw yourself into your kids
    • Binge the shit out of a show
      • I mean, who doesn’t wait for Seasons of shows to be loaded into <insert streaming service> before watching <insert new binge worthy show>?! Amirite?
    • GO TO SLEEP.
      • I find sleep helps me in so many ways sometimes. You can wake up with a refreshed mindset and approach things much more reasonably than you would being so hot about it.
• I did my time

Let’s face it. I had my nights where I tucked myself away and hid from the world, cried my eyes out, blamed myself, blamed her, blamed God, blamed everything around me for the shambles of my broken relationship.

• Except for the kids – Don’t ever, ever blame the kids. It’s not their fault that mommy and daddy couldn’t get their shit together.

I went through my moments of complete disgust and bitterness. I went through the fluctuation of the air I breathed around her was so tense that I felt like a fish above water, to the nights where make-up sex was fantastic.

I had, and still have my moments, where I need to talk to someone and vent to avoid simmering in a cesspool of my own disastrous thoughts, whether they have validity or not. I sometimes vent on my Facebook, because it’s my way of coping to quickly reach out to the people that support me.

But here’s the kicker …

Just as much time as I have had to sink and swim in my own mental anguish, I have had equally, if not more moments of clarity. And as a result:

The only path in my eyes is to make the best out of this; because that is what I can control.

I’ve put time into feeling the hurt and pain well before I made my hard decision. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and was like, “Yep, I think I’m done with this whole relationship / family thing. Peace.” Think about it, do you honestly believe that this is something I would have truly wanted for myself? For her? For my boys? Hell. No.

Does anyone who gets weaved into a love of their life enter what is supposed to be a “lifelong partnership” with a mindset of “it’s going to end someday?” That’s absurd.

Here is the truth.

Despite on the unfortunate circumstances of this that lead me to my decision, there is a lesson here that I would like to share, and I hope that if someone out there is going or has gone through similar situations; it might reach out to them in a positive and meaningful way.

People are often not as “shitty” as people who slander them often make them out to be. If a person was “shitty,” that attitude would manifest in ALL aspects of their life, not just one specific context.

It is very easy to fall back to slander, especially when there is deep hurt involved. What most people neglect to understand is when there is hurt involved, the slanderer always shares responsibility, whether equal or disproportionate. Too often, the slanderer is sending a message that they are the real true victim in whatever situation. And while that can be true in a lot of cases; it doesn’t change the fact that slander is biased. I mean, it wouldn’t be “slander” if the slanderer divulged their own contributions to their life’s failures, right?

I like science, so let’s approach this with a bit of science; using Newton’s first law of motion:

“An object will continue to move at the same velocity, unless acted upon by an outside force.”

The very same concept can be applied to people. People are not linear in terms of emotion. We often modify ourselves and our behaviors in order to connect and relate with the behaviors of others and our environment. This is not uncommon. How you might act with a coworker could be complete opposite of how you act with your mother, your boyfriend/girlfriend, or your BFF.

Let’s go back and talk for a moment about the context in romantic relationships. Romantic relationships have a unique way of digging into the very core of your character, while illuminating on portions of your emotional capacity that no one else in the world can see; and sometimes you didn’t know even existed before. In reality, it is damn near impossible in romantic relationships for someone to not have the moments where people are strong and loving all the time and not have moments where people are weak and ugly once in a while. Romantic relationships can be both beautiful or venomous.

In this way, as a third party, it is always unfair to judge and generalize the slandered simply by what is audibly heard or visibily read by the slanderer. Very often, there are untold messages. Just because a romantic relationship may have failed to work out, the third party should have personal autonomy; because the situation should never automatically translate into judging that person’s whole being as a failure in other aspects of their life.

Of course, I feel it is perfectly acceptable, if not honorable, for a third party to be empathetic towards the slanderer, the slandered, or both. What I do find is despicable and a grave mistake for the third party, is when they allow the slanderers own experience become personal to them. I mean, how fucked up is you?

You know where you can stick that gavel?

To be fair though, this can be extremely difficult for third party people who are good friends with both individuals. To prove this, I have had a few people approach me and ask, “Can we still be friends?” These people have long been my ex’s friends before I cam into the picture. And my answer without any hesitation is absolutely, as long as the relationships between the two can be approached in an unbiased, non-detrimental way and there isn’t any “gossip baseball.” This is something that I myself, and you should not ever tolerate. Cut the toxic out of your life as if your life depended on it.

After all, your life should matter to you.

While I am on the path of keeping it real, here is more truth to be told. I am unafraid to admit that my romantic relationship failed because the both of us. It is not solely what I did, or what she did. Just because “we failed”, doesn’t mean I fail as a father to our boys. It does not mean I fail as a friend towards other people. My actions are testaments to this despite whatever negative nonsense she is spewing about “me. The same would apply in reverse for her.

Keep in mind does not mean that our failures are necessarily a permanence. It is well known through people who are successful that if failures are approached in the right way, success is born. This is not to be misinterpreted to say this must translate into romantic success with each other in the foreseeable future either. If for some reason her and I work things out in the future and end up getting back together and we were able to both acknowledge our faults and move forward; I’d call that a success. However, if the alternative path was that we remained separated, but our relationship can be kept respectful towards each other, to our kids, and it was approached with civility, that’s still measured as a success to me.

Aren’t we all just temporary in the grand scheme of things?

I invested close to 10 long years into this before I made my decision. If I had seen that there were any hope in the possibility things could get better; why would I want to risk burning that bridge down? If you were given the opportunity, I wouldn’t recommend it. Save what is worth being saved.

It is a complete waste of my time and energy to reminisce over bittersweet snowballs of memories and allow them to roll into a emotionally stressful avalanche that consumes my will to live better.

While I can’t stop any or whatever negative messages that are being said about me from happening, people will still form their own judgments, biased or not. There is a significant difference in what is said versus what is being done. After all, there is that saying, “Put your money where your mouth is” for a reason.

I will tell you, reader, that I am not the “idiot” I am made out to be. I am not the “monster” or “asshole” I am being made out to be, and in all respect, I have absolutely zero desire to hurt my ex anymore than what damage has already been done to the both of us. I would be a hypocrite and a liar to say that I have not done any wrong. I have hurt her in the past also. She cheated on me, and I cheated back. Does it make it right? Absolutely not. Can I take it back? Absolutely not.

Learn to find acceptance and compromise.

That is the true test of any relationship. While we can’t ever take back what we did to each other, we managed to move forward, forgive, and never forget. That does not mean hold what has been done in the past on a thread over people’s heads. And I have been guilty of that, a lot of people are. But in those moments, by doing so, we share equal responsibility in the matter because essentially, that sends the message that they were setup for failure. Did you or did you not move on from the past? If you hold onto the past to use as a “trump card” for the future, you are just as guilty of wrongdoing.

Regardless of any bad situation you might face, people are only ever willing to tolerate so much.

Despite who they are talking to, whatever advice they are receiving, only that person know in their heart when enough is enough for them. When you have to resort to bring up past events, you send a message to your significant other that trust was already dead a long time ago and can’t ever be restored. At that point, the relationship was already over with; and now you are left with a new relationship built on a foundation of pain and lies with no resolution in sight. That will never, ever end well, so why do it?

Why is it that many of us subjugate ourselves to the same patterns over and over again convincing ourselves that things will get better, in reality, it’s a complete waste of time and energy for everyone involved. If all the effort has been made to salvage the relationship, and there is still the same problems consistently.

It is because of fear.

Fear debilitates us from making that leap of faith. We cripple ourselves because we often question our sense of self worth in a romantic relationship. We lose a piece of ourselves because we sacrifice so much to try to achieve and sustain this idea of a healthy relationship. We often assume a different identity entirely. Some of us may sacrifice their friends and family. Some of us sacrifice our own personal goals to satisfy the expectations of a partner because the feeling of acceptance and intimacy is placed at a higher value. Some of us might become afraid of being alone, and will refuse to believe that it’s happening. Some of us will rebound to the next fling to cope with it. Some of us get anxiety over an endless sea of “potential realities” that may or may not ever come true. We often make excuses for ourselves to justify the pain is worth enduring.

And I am 100% guilty of that.

I’ve have done nothing but be patient, lenient, compassionate, emphatic, and flexible. i am leaps and bounds a better man than the asshole prior to me getting real help. (That is a long story in itself, going back to my childhood abuse) and have offered to help in so many ways despite the faults of our partnership or unwarranted attitude. And I know deep down, I really was an amazing lover, and she once thought the same. Would our relationship really survived nearly 10 years of ups and downs if that feeling didn’t exist somewhere muddled in the hurt?

I did my best efforts to build her up, raise her confidence, wanted her to see someone to talk to in hopes she would listen, maybe learn better coping skills, and perhaps approach this whole situation better with me…not alone. I was open to do counseling also. We did it in the past and it worked very well for a while. Then we stopped, and multiple negative stressors kept piling on and on, to where sometimes, the thought of giving it all up becomes more appealing.

And that is truly the worst feeling anyone could ever have.

Knowing this, I wanted to be her everything and have her unconditional love and support. All of that did not exist in the final days prior to my decision. I was naive; ignored all the signs, looked past the deceit, and put on a false mask of hope and denial. And that is my responsibility that I can own. No one, and I really mean no one, who is deeply in love with someone wants to believe that the possibility of it all being done and over with even exists. Death should have been the only thing to separate us, and perhaps it was wishful thinking to hope love could transcend even that.

As I right this, I would like nothing more to say that this story had a happy ending. But the story for me is still unfolding, and I only have limited control on how the chapters will be written out. My true wish is for things to smooth over and us to have a positive working relationship to benefit our boys. It has been both simple at times, while others have been unbearably frustrating and impossible. It takes two to be on the same page for such things to occur, and there is plenty room for improvement in that area. It starts with honesty and communication. Nothing will get done if those components are missing.

I hope sharing my experience is helpful in some way. Please feel free to share any portions of my advice with anyone you may know who might be having a bit of trouble also. Feel free to ask any questions you may have to me; and I would be happy to answer them to the best of my unprofessional ability.

 

 

With love and kindness,

-dadslifeafter

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