Relationship Fight Club
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club.” -Tyler Durden, Fight Club
Let’s whistleblow about the Fight Club, shall we?
We all hurt someone at some point in our lifetime, by accident or with malicious intent. We do things we don’t mean to do and say things we don’t mean to say. On the contrary, we are also guilty of continuing to do the things that we said we wouldn’t do anymore, and continue to say the things that we said we’d never say again. (Now say that 5 times fast…GO!)
Generally, there is always a reason on why we do the things we do. The problem with reason is that reason is a matter of perspective; and everyone has their own unique perspective on what they believe is reasonable. You hear it and see it all of the time. Here is a scenario for you.
Scene:
Elisabeth and Kyle have been dating for four years. Things have been going smoothly for them and they became engaged after three years of seeing each other. After the third year, Liz begins to notice a change in Kyle’s behavior. She notices that he is smiling and laughing less often. She notices that he has become less affectionate with her and he is becoming more interested in spending time with himself. She confronts him about it.
E: “Kyle, what’s been up with you? You’ve been acting strange lately.”
K: “What are you talking about? I’m fine Liz.”
E: “It’s just, you haven’t really been spending much time with me.”
K: “How? I helped you with breakfast this morning. We went to Walmart together and got groceries, and I went with you to your mother’s house this afternoon.”
E: “That’s not what I mean…”
K: “Then what’s the problem?”
E: “It’s not just today. I’ve been feeling like you’ve been acting this way for several weeks now and it’s bothering me.”
K: “Liz, I said I’m fine!”
E: “Kyle, you’re not fine. I’m not fine. There’s something wrong, I know you.”
K: “Liz. I’m fine. Can we please stop talking about this?”
E: “Fine.”
K: “Okay.”
End Scene
Here, we see the conversation ending. Finishing the scenario here, a question is left unanswered. Was Kyle really upset, or was he telling the truth?
Maybe Kyle is telling the truth. Perhaps he has a lot on his mind from work that he just doesn’t feel comfortable with sharing with her in that moment. Maybe he lost his job and he is afraid to tell Liz because he thinks it will start a fight. Maybe he lost a friend or a family member close to him and he’s grieving about it. We don’t even know if Liz is a “clingy” or “emotionally sensitive” person and she is just overreacting to his truly normal behavior. Maybe, Kyle just is becoming unsatisfied with Liz. We don’t know.
What we can gather based on Liz’s responses is that what she is feeling is very real to her. She’s built her life around Kyle for years and has learned a lot about Kyle, to the point where her intuition is setting in stating that something is innately out of the ordinary between their chemistry. Whatever “this” is, it’s threatening to her and she wants closure.
Jenga – The Tower of Hurt
Many of us have different reasons on why we become unsatisfied with our partners. Some of us belong to a club of people who are capable of internalizing those reasons and keeping that information within our heads (not saying that is necessarily a good thing, by the way. Sometimes that can be a very dangerous and self-destructing behavior.) Another club may be categorized as “not having a filter” and speaking their mind outright because “they just don’t plain give a fuck.” Another club may be able to approach you with an abundant amount of respect and have a way to communicate their frustrations with you without calling you “a bitch” in the process. The funny thing about people and emotions is we all change, and we fluctuate at any given time based on our situations. Therefore, we can withdraw from one club to join another whenever we want. Hooray for us!
I am sure that some of you readers may or may not have played or heard of a family games called Jenga.
For those of you who may not know, Jenga is a game that can be played solo or with multiple players and is fun for all ages. Seriously. Even if you don’t want to play the game it was “meant to be played,” kids and adults like find all sorts of interesting ways to play the game. Boy, I can’t tell you how many different drinking games you can do related to Jenga. Nothing like trying to screw over your peers (or yourself) in the name of good ol’ alcohol consumption! Ahem…
The object of Jenga is strategically remove wooden blocks by “poking” the blocks through and stripping them away from the tower. You continue to repeat this and collect as many blocks as you can without tipping over the tower. In a cooperative setting, it is common to “setup the other player(s)” for failure in hopes to win the game.
What most people didn’t know, myself included, is that Jenga actually means “build” in Swahili.(1) And after reading and learning that, I couldn’t think of a better way to use Jenga as an excellent example on explaining a particular phenomenon that occurs in virtually every relationship; and that is our ability to hurt. Below is an image I found online that I edited to illustrate where I am going with this.
Edited. Image Source
As the very root of all relationships, you have the core “building blocks” of a relationship.
Trust
Love
Respect
Communication
(Others say Honesty and more, but clearly the image only shows 4 blocks … shh.)
If you take out the “respect” directly out of the bottom, that particular block can be removed safely without tipping the tower over. It is entirely possible in a relationship that Respect can be missing, but Trust, Communication, and Love remain. However, if you attempt to take away Trust, Communication, or Love, EVERYTHING comes crumbling down (based on this image.)
Let’s go back and talk a bit about what could potentially have played out between Elizabeth and Kyle. How many times in your very own relationship has something happened similar, in almost no time flat. Maybe you were Kyle once, and you didn’t think anything was wrong and you were just going about your day as you saw it, and you had no idea anything was even wrong with your partner (Elizabeth.) Conversely, how many times have you seen yourself in Elizabeth’s shoes, trying to talk to your partner (Kyle) and he’s simply not “getting the message?”
I think it is very important to say and recognize a risk between that short exchange of dialogue, and the risk is that Kyle’s replies could have been the precursor to an escalation between the two. Enter the Fight Club.
Often, when we feel like our voices are not being heard, or we are dissatisfied with a particular situation, we fight. We fight because we want so badly for the other person to see things the way we see things. Sometimes fights go successful, others end horrifically. We play Jenga with each other in the Fight Club. You’ve known each other for four years, and you better believe that if you know something is wrong with your partner, you know how to push their buttons too. You know exactly where to hit them where it hurts; you know how to kick them when they are feeling down, and you know just the right method of attack to inflict a finishing blow.
You call her fat. That’s an easy block to push out. You know she spends hours doing her makeup getting dolled up ready to go. You know she cares a lot about her appearance. Yeah, call her fat.
Her turn. She says your lazy. Another easy block to push out. You spend too much time worrying about your “fucking video games” to spend any “quality time with her.”
Oh yeah you say? Well, you’re consistent with throwing another quick jab at her appearance and call her “Disgusting.” You used to find her super attractive when she was skinny and wearing pretty dresses; but she got comfortable with love and put on a few extra pounds; and her new choice of makeup and attire turns you off.
“Seriously?” she says. “You’re being so stupid right now.” Off goes the stupid block.
Now … I am not going to keep going on and on about this all will play out as interesting as it may be for you reader (this is actually fun writing by the way.) But here is the real truth.
On the surface when we are hurt, it’s easy to say the “topical” stuff. Name calling is the perfect example of this. It’s quick, it’s straight to the point, and it hurts. Until all the names have been said. Then it’s the blocks that are on the edge that cause the relationship to falter a lot more.
Perhaps at one point in your relationship, your partner cheated on you. That shattered your trust and it broke your heart. But you moved on and “forgave” them for it. But, it just so happened that your partner said some really awful things about you this time, and you carefully push the “Cheater” block out. The tower waivers a bit but still is holding up a bit. That was a low blow to your partner. Funny thing is, what if you cheated on him too. Well, ironically, the cheater block was already pushed, so him calling you a cheater can’t be used because maybe they know you cheated on them to get back as revenge for cheating on you. Shit, can’t use that one.
“Fuck that, you manipulative cunt!” they exclaim with fiery passion and gusto. Perhaps if you weren’t so manipulative, they wouldn’t have cheated. That’s the reasoning they are sticking to anyway … well played dirty bastard.
And so you keep playing the Jenga Hurt game with each other until everything is laid out on the table until the small chunk of blocks remaining are whatever heaping pile of what used to the core have become rotten by time and foul air (and wordplay.) Atop of the withers of the life you built, the two of you somewhere along the way lost your way and tread into the “danger zone.” <cue ominous music>
These are blocks that are critically detrimental to all relationships. These are the portions of a relationship where the hurt has become so bad, there’s all sorts of abuse; emotional, mental, physical, or sexual. Maybe the person exhibits characteristics where they are completely mentally unstable, at risk of hurting themselves, you, or someone you care about. Maybe you were once the “narcissist” or the “psycho.” The danger zone is all sorts of craziness. I was a “stalker” once…
Some people might be fortunate enough to exit out of the relationship before they enter in some sort of danger zone. However, many people are often unaware that they are even entering a danger zone with their partner. And even then, some people enter the danger zone and either stay by choice or are forced to stay and live in the danger zone. It’s very unfortunate. This “Jenga Tower” concept can be applied to any relationship really, it’s not romantically exclusive. I can tell you that I personally found myself in the danger zone several times throughout my life, and I have often found myself entering it without my awareness or often found myself in situations where I was afraid to escape. Not because I feared for my safety, but because I feared letting go.
I think one of the hardest things to face in a relationship is knowing that you move on through life wanting to build an entirely life around the idea of “the one”, or “a family”, or X, Y, or Z and realize that the glimpse of hope that kept you pressing onward is no longer there. The fear of that renders you weak and often powerless, to a kind of blackness this is too often too thick to climb out of, especially alone. In retrospect, you realize that the partner you happen to meet, the person who carried on with you and understood everything about you, who has been to hell and back several times by your side just to simply show you that they are dedicated in their commitment of love to you, is finally ending over things that just hurt you too much. Then, you move on … in anyway you possibly can.
Playing Jenga sucks.
Sincerely,
-dadslifeafter
Dad's Life After 
