There has been something on my mind for a while now that I feel is important to share. There are a few people I know here that are having some relationship troubles.
I have been told by a lot of people in the past few months that:
“I am handling my breakup incredibly well.”
But let’s be very real and clear. There are a few reasons why I am handling this “so well.”
- I have positive support.
- Surrounding yourself around positive people makes a significant different in how you cope with your breakup.
- I have solid coping skills.
- Some people have it naturally, while a lot of it is learned. Life in general is a huge cluster of sporadic events that are totally out of your control. The sooner you learn to focus on the things that are within your realm of control, and cut the rest out, the better off you’ll be.
- I keep myself occupied in various activities
- What do I mean by this? Here is a list of some things I do, but am not limited to.
- Focus on work.
- Do some home improvement.
- Clean the house.
- Spend time outside.
- Pick up a new hobby.
- Learn a marketable skill.
- Read a book
- Go hang out with some of your closest friends
- Throw yourself into your kids
- Binge the shit out of a show
- I mean, who doesn’t wait for Seasons of shows to be loaded into <insert streaming service> before watching <insert new binge worthy show>?! Amirite?
- GO TO SLEEP.
- I find sleep helps me in so many ways sometimes. You can wake up with a refreshed mindset and approach things much more reasonably than you would being so hot about it.
- What do I mean by this? Here is a list of some things I do, but am not limited to.
- I did my time
Let’s face it. I had my nights where I tucked myself away and hid from the world, cried my eyes out, blamed myself, blamed her, blamed God, blamed everything around me for the shambles of my broken relationship.
- Except for the kids – Don’t ever, ever blame the kids. It’s not their fault that mommy and daddy couldn’t get their shit together.
I went through my moments of complete disgust and bitterness. I went through the fluctuation of the air I breathed around her was so tense that I felt like a fish above water, to the nights where make-up sex was fantastic.
I had, and still have my moments, where I need to talk to someone and vent to avoid simmering in a cesspool of my own disastrous thoughts, whether they have validity or not. I sometimes vent on my Facebook, because it’s my way of coping to quickly reach out to the people that support me.
But here’s the kicker …
Just as much time as I have had to sink and swim in my own mental anguish, I have had equally, if not more moments of clarity. And as a result:
The only path in my eyes is to make the best out of this; because that is what I can control.
I’ve put time into feeling the hurt and pain well before I made my hard decision. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and was like, “Yep, I think I’m done with this whole relationship / family thing. Peace.” Think about it, do you honestly believe that this is something I would have truly wanted for myself? For her? For my boys? Hell. No.
Does anyone who gets weaved into a love of their life enter what is supposed to be a “lifelong partnership” with a mindset of “it’s going to end someday?” That’s absurd.
Here is the truth.
Despite on the unfortunate circumstances of this that lead me to my decision, there is a lesson here that I would like to share, and I hope that if someone out there is going or has gone through similar situations; it might reach out to them in a positive and meaningful way.
People are often not as “shitty” as people who slander them often make them out to be. If a person was “shitty,” that attitude would manifest in ALL aspects of their life, not just one specific context.
It is very easy to fall back to slander, especially when there is deep hurt involved. What most people neglect to understand is when there is hurt involved, the slanderer always shares responsibility, whether equal or disproportionate. Too often, the slanderer is sending a message that they are the real true victim in whatever situation. And while that can be true in a lot of cases; it doesn’t change the fact that slander is biased. I mean, it wouldn’t be “slander” if the slanderer divulged their own contributions to their life’s failures, right?
I like science, so let’s approach this with a bit of science; using Newton’s first law of motion:
“An object will continue to move at the same velocity, unless acted upon by an outside force.”
The very same concept can be applied to people. People are not linear in terms of emotion. We often modify ourselves and our behaviors in order to connect and relate with the behaviors of others and our environment. This is not uncommon. How you might act with a coworker could be complete opposite of how you act with your mother, your boyfriend/girlfriend, or your BFF.
Let’s go back and talk for a moment about the context in romantic relationships. Romantic relationships have a unique way of digging into the very core of your character, while illuminating on portions of your emotional capacity that no one else in the world can see; and sometimes you didn’t know even existed before. In reality, it is damn near impossible in romantic relationships for someone to not have the moments where people are strong and loving all the time and not have moments where people are weak and ugly once in a while. Romantic relationships can be both beautiful or venomous.
In this way, as a third party, it is always unfair to judge and generalize the slandered simply by what is audibly heard or visibily read by the slanderer. Very often, there are untold messages. Just because a romantic relationship may have failed to work out, the third party should have personal autonomy; because the situation should never automatically translate into judging that person’s whole being as a failure in other aspects of their life.
Of course, I feel it is perfectly acceptable, if not honorable, for a third party to be empathetic towards the slanderer, the slandered, or both. What I do find is despicable and a grave mistake for the third party, is when they allow the slanderers own experience become personal to them. I mean, how fucked up is you?
You know where you can stick that gavel?
To be fair though, this can be extremely difficult for third party people who are good friends with both individuals. To prove this, I have had a few people approach me and ask, “Can we still be friends?” These people have long been my ex’s friends before I cam into the picture. And my answer without any hesitation is absolutely, as long as the relationships between the two can be approached in an unbiased, non-detrimental way and there isn’t any “gossip baseball.” This is something that I myself, and you should not ever tolerate. Cut the toxic out of your life as if your life depended on it.
After all, your life should matter to you.
While I am on the path of keeping it real, here is more truth to be told. I am unafraid to admit that my romantic relationship failed because the both of us. It is not solely what I did, or what she did. Just because “we failed”, doesn’t mean I fail as a father to our boys. It does not mean I fail as a friend towards other people. My actions are testaments to this despite whatever negative nonsense she is spewing about “me. The same would apply in reverse for her.
Keep in mind does not mean that our failures are necessarily a permanence. It is well known through people who are successful that if failures are approached in the right way, success is born. This is not to be misinterpreted to say this must translate into romantic success with each other in the foreseeable future either. If for some reason her and I work things out in the future and end up getting back together and we were able to both acknowledge our faults and move forward; I’d call that a success. However, if the alternative path was that we remained separated, but our relationship can be kept respectful towards each other, to our kids, and it was approached with civility, that’s still measured as a success to me.
Aren’t we all just temporary in the grand scheme of things?
I invested close to 10 long years into this before I made my decision. If I had seen that there were any hope in the possibility things could get better; why would I want to risk burning that bridge down? If you were given the opportunity, I wouldn’t recommend it. Save what is worth being saved.
It is a complete waste of my time and energy to reminisce over bittersweet snowballs of memories and allow them to roll into a emotionally stressful avalanche that consumes my will to live better.
While I can’t stop any or whatever negative messages that are being said about me from happening, people will still form their own judgments, biased or not. There is a significant difference in what is said versus what is being done. After all, there is that saying, “Put your money where your mouth is” for a reason.
I will tell you, reader, that I am not the “idiot” I am made out to be. I am not the “monster” or “asshole” I am being made out to be, and in all respect, I have absolutely zero desire to hurt my ex anymore than what damage has already been done to the both of us. I would be a hypocrite and a liar to say that I have not done any wrong. I have hurt her in the past also. She cheated on me, and I cheated back. Does it make it right? Absolutely not. Can I take it back? Absolutely not.
Learn to find acceptance and compromise.
That is the true test of any relationship. While we can’t ever take back what we did to each other, we managed to move forward, forgive, and never forget. That does not mean hold what has been done in the past on a thread over people’s heads. And I have been guilty of that, a lot of people are. But in those moments, by doing so, we share equal responsibility in the matter because essentially, that sends the message that they were setup for failure. Did you or did you not move on from the past? If you hold onto the past to use as a “trump card” for the future, you are just as guilty of wrongdoing.
Regardless of any bad situation you might face, people are only ever willing to tolerate so much.
Despite who they are talking to, whatever advice they are receiving, only that person know in their heart when enough is enough for them. When you have to resort to bring up past events, you send a message to your significant other that trust was already dead a long time ago and can’t ever be restored. At that point, the relationship was already over with; and now you are left with a new relationship built on a foundation of pain and lies with no resolution in sight. That will never, ever end well, so why do it?
Why is it that many of us subjugate ourselves to the same patterns over and over again convincing ourselves that things will get better, in reality, it’s a complete waste of time and energy for everyone involved. If all the effort has been made to salvage the relationship, and there is still the same problems consistently.
It is because of fear.
Fear debilitates us from making that leap of faith. We cripple ourselves because we often question our sense of self worth in a romantic relationship. We lose a piece of ourselves because we sacrifice so much to try to achieve and sustain this idea of a healthy relationship. We often assume a different identity entirely. Some of us may sacrifice their friends and family. Some of us sacrifice our own personal goals to satisfy the expectations of a partner because the feeling of acceptance and intimacy is placed at a higher value. Some of us might become afraid of being alone, and will refuse to believe that it’s happening. Some of us will rebound to the next fling to cope with it. Some of us get anxiety over an endless sea of “potential realities” that may or may not ever come true. We often make excuses for ourselves to justify the pain is worth enduring.
And I am 100% guilty of that.
I’ve have done nothing but be patient, lenient, compassionate, emphatic, and flexible. i am leaps and bounds a better man than the asshole prior to me getting real help. (That is a long story in itself, going back to my childhood abuse) and have offered to help in so many ways despite the faults of our partnership or unwarranted attitude. And I know deep down, I really was an amazing lover, and she once thought the same. Would our relationship really survived nearly 10 years of ups and downs if that feeling didn’t exist somewhere muddled in the hurt?
I did my best efforts to build her up, raise her confidence, wanted her to see someone to talk to in hopes she would listen, maybe learn better coping skills, and perhaps approach this whole situation better with me…not alone. I was open to do counseling also. We did it in the past and it worked very well for a while. Then we stopped, and multiple negative stressors kept piling on and on, to where sometimes, the thought of giving it all up becomes more appealing.
And that is truly the worst feeling anyone could ever have.
Knowing this, I wanted to be her everything and have her unconditional love and support. All of that did not exist in the final days prior to my decision. I was naive; ignored all the signs, looked past the deceit, and put on a false mask of hope and denial. And that is my responsibility that I can own. No one, and I really mean no one, who is deeply in love with someone wants to believe that the possibility of it all being done and over with even exists. Death should have been the only thing to separate us, and perhaps it was wishful thinking to hope love could transcend even that.
As I right this, I would like nothing more to say that this story had a happy ending. But the story for me is still unfolding, and I only have limited control on how the chapters will be written out. My true wish is for things to smooth over and us to have a positive working relationship to benefit our boys. It has been both simple at times, while others have been unbearably frustrating and impossible. It takes two to be on the same page for such things to occur, and there is plenty room for improvement in that area. It starts with honesty and communication. Nothing will get done if those components are missing.
I hope sharing my experience is helpful in some way. Please feel free to share any portions of my advice with anyone you may know who might be having a bit of trouble also. Feel free to ask any questions you may have to me; and I would be happy to answer them to the best of my unprofessional ability.
With love and kindness,
-dadslifeafter
Dad's Life After 